Is the Robe Religious?

by Dotti Templeton

When I perform a wedding, I wear a robe and a stole. I have a vintage black robe which I wear most often, and a custom-made white one that I always use for baby blessings and outdoor summer weddings, unless the couple prefers something different.

I also have a blue robe for nautical weddings, and a green one just because somebody some day may ask for it.

The stole is the long piece that goes around the back of my neck and hangs down in the front on both sides. Most of the stoles I wear are not religious. I designed one to have a short verse of romantic poetry on it that I wrote, and another in beautiful blues and greens which I wear most often in the summer.

If a couple prefers a religious stole, I have a simple white one with a gold cross, an Interfaith stole that displays about twelve symbols of various religions, and one that looks like stained glass that I use for Christian weddings around Christmas time.

Some couples ask if the robe itself has a religious meaning. The answer is yes and no. Judges often wear robes to officiate secular weddings. Graduates wear robes as a sign of achievement and dignity. Neither is religious. The religious part comes mostly from the stole, unless the robe is specific to a particular faith. Mine is not.

The robe and stole signify that the wearer holds a position of some kind of authority....in the case of an officiant, the authority to legally marry two people. In my eyes, wearing a robe is a sign of respect for you and your guests. It adds just that touch of importance and a bit of tradition to even the most unique wedding without being stuffy or formal.

Although I would perform a wedding without wearing a robe if asked, I've never had a couple request that I do so. If your officiant's appearance matters to you, it's important that you discuss it with him or her during your first conversation so that there are no surprises on your wedding day.

Dotti Templeton, Officiant
www.Poetic-Ceremonies.com
Westchester County, NY

Picture Perfect? At What Price?

by Dotti Templeton

One of the most enduring ways to remember your wedding ceremony is with photographs. Long after the food is eaten and the gown is hermetically sealed in a box, you'll have pictures to enjoy with your friends and family for years to come.

When I officiate, the photographer can stand on my shoulders and shoot with a blinding flash and I wouldn't notice. I only see you...I only care about you and your guests.

I have no rules about what shots they can take and from where. I make sure to talk to the photographer before the wedding to tell her/him how the ceremony will run so s/he can prepare for the shots. I also ask if there's anything I can do to help make the photographs better, and let them know that I'm more than happy to restage a shot if necessary.

That's all well and good for me, but you have to decide just how aggressive you're willing to allow your photographer and videographer to be. The ceremony is very special and emotional. You are changing your lives forever...committing yourselves before friends and family to another human being for the rest of your lives.

You'll want to talk to your photographer about what's acceptable during the ceremony and what isn't. Is flash ok? How close can they come to you? Will you be wearing a mic (for the videographer)? How many photographers can be near the ceremony at once? Are you willing to allow them to actually stand between you and the officiant (yes, this has happened)?

It's only fair that you be clear with your photographer about your expectations. If there's a certain photograph you want and you think it might mean that the photographer needs to get a bit intrusive, check with him. Then decide if the photograph is worth it. Ask if your photographer uses a long lens so she can get those intimate shots from a distance.

My experience with photographers is always positive. They are part of the wedding to do a very important job and they want you to be happy.

Remember, you're likely to have hundreds of pictures of your wedding and hundreds of opportunities to view them, but only one opportunity to look into the eyes of your beloved and make your vows of eternal love. Be careful not to allow those precious moments be overshadowed by the distraction of getting one particular picture.

Your photographer can only respect your wishes if he knows what they are in advance, so help him out and be forthcoming with your direction.

Dotti Templeton, Wedding Officiant
www.Poetic-Ceremonies.com
Westchester County, NY

"You May Now Kiss the Bride?"

by Dotti Templeton

Recently, a number of us officiants were discussing the all-important, very famous, somewhat traditional tagline that comes at the end of just about every wedding ceremony, "You may now kiss the bride."

Some couples, mostly brides, actually, don't like it. They want us to say something different. They still want the kiss; they don't want those words. I understand.

The "you may now do something to somebody else" feel of it doesn't necessarily fit well in the personal, often unique and gender-equal ceremonies. What are the alternatives?

Before you choose another way to say it, think about the feel of your ceremony. Is it playful and light? Traditional? Religious? Is it romantic? Does it celebrate you both as individuals? A little bit of everything? The type of ceremony you've chosen reflects who you are, and is a good place to start as you begin to think about changing that all important directive.

From our officiants' exchange, I've come up with a few suggestions for alternatives:

"You may now seal this union with a kiss."
"You may now kiss each other."
"You may now seal your vows with a kiss."
"An ancient belief proclaims that when a couple in love kisses, a little bit of each other's soul is transported to abide in the other. At what better time than now to share your souls and a kiss."
"You may now (or Please) celebrate your love and devotion with a kiss."
"You may now (or Please) share your first kiss as husband and wife."

Of course, you can make up your own or ask your officiant to help you.

Many couples still want the traditional "You may now kiss the bride" at the end of their ceremony. If that's what you'd like to hear, it's just as meaningful and beautiful as it's always been...so enjoy!

Dotti Templeton, Wedding Officiant
www.Poetic-Ceremonies.com
Westchester County, NY

Whatever Happened to Rice?

by Dotti Templeton

Many moons ago, in the days when I got married, (and they used to say things like, many moons ago), guests would throw rice at the newlyweds as they left the church (in those days, very very few people got married at the venue where the reception was, or in a park or at the beach.)

Rice, and historically other grains (which was before my time), are symbolically linked with fertility and and prosperity. Hence, the theory was that if you threw grains at the newly-married couple, they would become both fertile and prosperous.

I don't know how well it worked, but the ritual lasted for a long time. Of course, somebody had to clean up the rice after everyone left. At some point, the administrators of such things at churches rebelled and said "no more rice. It makes a mess and I'm tired of cleaning it up."

Then the bird lovers said "The birds can't eat the rice. But if they do, it will make them sick." So, instead of throwing rice, people started throwing birdseed. The idea was that the birds would eat it and the church people wouldn't have to clean it up.

Sounds good on paper. But the birds didn't always eat it, or you'd have swarms of birds eating it, or it would draw rodents and bugs, or someone could slip on it, or the birds would poop all over the steps....well, I could go on and on, but the point is, throwing birdseed was eventually banned as well.

What could the guests throw at the bridal couple now that rice and birdseed were no longer options? Confetti? Big mess. Bread? Goose problem. Leaves? Would be tough to find in winter. Water? Well, maybe at the beach. Bubbles? Yes Yes Yes, bubbles are perfect!

Of course, you don't actually throw the bubbles, you kind of blow them toward the bride and groom. Very pretty, very clean, and as far as I know, no church, venue, or park has outlawed them. And it kind of looks pretty and you're not pulling grains or seed out of your hair and clothes for the rest of the day. You might suds up in a rain storm, but there's gotta be some downside.

Anyway, what I want you to remember is, before you start handing out rice or seed or any other small messy items to throw at your wedding, double check with the venue to be sure they will allow it. It would be embarrassing to have all your guests frisked and stripped of their seed just before you make your grand exit.

But if, by some chance, you manage to find a place (your own backyard?) where you can throw whatever you want, (and do), have your groomsmen or some good friends explain to the happy crowd that they should not throw it AT you, but rather, they should loft it...in other words, throw it upwards so that it comes down upon you. Rice or seed thrown directly into your face stings, and makes for most unpleasant pictures.

Dotti Templeton, Wedding Officiant
http://www.poetic-ceremonies.com/
Westchester County, NY

Writing Your Vows....Or Not

by Dotti Templeton

When I became an officiant, I thought everyone would write their own vows. The truth is, less than 2% of the couples I’ve worked with wanted to write their own vows, and half of them wound up changing their minds.

I think everybody thinks that everybody else writes their own vows. They don’t. I’m telling you this in case you’ve been considering it, but are really busy, don’t have the time, aren’t a good poet (or even writer), don’t know what to say, or just plain have no interest in doing so, but feel a little guilty.

Don’t worry about it. There are millions of people out there who have said something you’d like to say, and if you can’t find them, your officiant should. But, if you’re thinking of giving this writing exercise a try, here are a few tips to make you sound eloquent and sincere as you stand before your beloved and all your guests:

Before you begin to write, eliminate the word “vow” and substitute the word “promise.” Vows are promises, but the word “vow” is intimidating. Now, it’s already a little easier, isn’t it…to say to your fiancé “I promise to love you forever. I will cry with you in joy and in sorrow, feel your emotions, and breathe every breath you take. I will let you watch all the Yankees games. I promise never to ask you to take me to the ballet. I will, work beside you to achieve what you wish, and be happy for all that you accomplish ….” you get the idea…

Next, don’t be afraid to seek out inspiration. If you don’t have any romantic books lying around, get on the internet and read read read. Find someone who expresses themselves the way you do and improvise. It doesn’t make it any less your vow just because someone else wrote it down first.

Don’t try to be too fancy. Use plain old English. Make your promises clear and honest in the language you use every day.

Speak from the heart. You know you’re speaking from the heart if you tear up as you’re writing your promises.

Don’t go on forever. A few quality vows are better than a laundry list of mediocre statements.

Include something you’ve already told your beloved in your vows. For example, if you’ve said to him on occasion, “I don’t know how I’d live without you,” throw that in there. The familiarity will feel comfortable and real to him.

Don’t try to remember them without backup. Give them to the officiant to hold so she can follow along with you and prompt you if you forget.

Don’t read them at the ceremony. They’ll come out stilted and you won’t be able to look into your beloved’s eyes. Ask the officiant to quietly prompt you.

Don’t over-analyze and over-edit. Write from your soul; you want to sound like yourself, not a stranger.

If you're having a problem thinking of promises, ask yourself what you would like your life-long love to say to you. Chances are, they'd make pretty good vows.

For a little added excitement, don’t share them with anyone before the big day, most of all your spouse-to-be.

Don’t worry about it. NOBODY is going to pick on your vows. Everyone will be touched by their sincerity and realness, and your willingness to express yourself while the world is watching.

And if you don’t want to write them, don’t. You’ll still be married at the end of the ceremony.

Dotti Templeton, Wedding Officiant
www.Poetic-Ceremonies.com
Westchester County, NY

Why are Officiants so EXPENSIVE??

by Dotti Templeton

Why does an officiant costs hundreds of dollars? I would have asked myself that same question until I became one.

Many people wonder how it can cost so much to “stand up there for 20 minutes.” Well, now I can tell you from experience, that’s the shortest, easiest, most fun part.

Most officiants these days are not ministers of churches with salaries and/or housing. They are ministers for the sole purpose of officiating weddings and, perhaps, baby blessings and memorial services. They are one of your most important vendors.

You know that when you pay $4 for a latte at the local coffee shop, the drink’s ingredients cost about 22 cents. You understand that you’re paying for rent, lights, insurance, salaries, equipment, advertising, profit, and more.

Now, an officiant’s expenses aren’t all as readily obvious, I admit. But they include purchasing robes at several hundred dollars each, stoles at more than one hundred dollars each, advertising, a website, a dedicated phone, business cards, numerous reference books, association dues, certification that cost thousands of dollars, and ongoing education costs. Other hard expenses include things like dry cleaning, car, gas, and computer.

Then there’s the time factor. I spend a lot of time with couples on the phone and email who ultimately don’t book.

For the weddings I do book, I spend about an hour on the phone with each couple, an hour or more in person, several hours researching, composing and typing the ceremony then making revisions, about two hours preparing for the ceremony (Map-Questing directions, printing and binding the ceremony, ironing my robe, and rehearsing), a half an hour on creating the wedding certificate, an average of 4 hours travel and time and at the ceremony because I always get there early, and another half an hour completing, copying, and mailing the marriage license.

But in the end, that’s not really all you’re paying for. Just as you can hire lawyers and surgeons for $100 or $1000 an hour, you can find officiants at various fees too. Like doctors and lawyers, officiants’ fees are based on their experience and ability to do the job well.

Couples pay for the perfect ceremony…the one that will touch their hearts, reflect who they are and make their guests feel welcome and included. For that to happen, they depend on an officiant’s organization and communication skills, ability to research and compose a beautiful ceremony, solid people skills, dependability, sound counsel, and ability to speak well in public.

I won’t even start to compare the cost of the officiant with the price of the other elements in a wedding like flowers, food, venue, photographer, limos, makeup & hairdos, music and a hundred other details. (Sorry, I said I wouldn’t ;-)

No matter, to me it’s the greatest honor and the best job in the world, and I love every minute of it.

Think about it, you might spend a couple of hundred dollars more for the officiant you really like…the one that gives you a good vibe, the one you feel really comfortable with. Your wedding is perfect. You and your guests are moved by her personal words, written just for you. Everyone tells you it’s the most beautiful ceremony they ever heard. Your ceremony set the tone for the rest of the day.

But let’s say you don’t spend the money on the officiant you think is the best. After all the time, effort and expense you’ve put into making this day special, you’re taking the chance that the person you chose to marry you won’t call you back, can’t spell worth a lick, doesn’t know how to string two words together in a coherent sentence, gives you a canned ceremony, and just doesn’t do the job you deserve. Everyone walks away feeling cheated. Is it worth it?

Whatever you pay your officiant, you will likely get what you pay for, so interview several and choose wisely.

Dotti Templeton, Wedding Officiant

www.Poetic-Ceremonies.com

Westchester County, NY

How to Walk Down the Aisle

by Dotti Templeton

Your wedding day is near. You’ve thought of everything…the officiant, the photographer, the venue and the food. You’ve imagined the day over and over again, picturing yourself walking down the aisle, holding your beautiful flowers and nervously smiling ear to ear.

You are about to take a once-in-a-lifetime walk. All your friends and family have eagerly awaited your arrival. You are the star, the queen for a day. You’ll want to enjoy every minute, treasure every step, and see the loving, happy faces of all your loved ones.

As an officiant, I’ve stood before many a glowing bride as she headed in my direction. Each more beautiful than the next. And before you know it, she’s joined her husband-to-be right in front of me, anxious to say her vows. Seems to have taken less than a minute to make that historic walk.

You’ve spend so much time and effort, as have your guests, anticipating this moment ..how do you savor it…the chance to be the center of attention…the woman of the hour?

Most brides are so nervous, they tend to clutch their bouquets to their chests and hurry forward. Don’t be that bride. This is the way you should come down the aisle (to be read with a calm, soothing voice):

Take a deep breath, or a few, before presenting yourself to your guests. As you reach the place where the guests will see you for the first time, stop and stand for a few seconds and take another deep breath. If someone is walking you down the aisle, let him know you’re going to do this so he doesn’t leap forward without you.

Drop your shoulders. Bring your bouquet down to your waist or a bit lower; it actually looks best held lower than you think you should hold it. Let everyone see the top of your dress. Now begin your walk more slowly than feels comfortable. Everyone wants to see you and look at your beautiful face and gown. Take the time, during your nice slow walk, to look at the people who have come to celebrate with you. Look at your groom. There’s no rush…it’s all about you.

When you’re about to meet your groom, again, take your time to give your dad (or whomever has had the honor of walking you down the aisle), a respectful thank you. This person is someone very special in your life and you’ll feel bad if you ditch him too quickly (and so will he).

Then give yourself time to enjoy joining your husband-to-be and moving toward the officiant.

By not rushing and enjoying these first important minutes of your big day, you will be giving yourself and your guests the gift of time and respect. You will never regret taking a few extra minutes at the beginning of your lives together.

Dotti Templeton, Wedding Officiant

www.Poetic-Ceremonies.com

Westchester County, NY