Is the Robe Religious?

by Dotti Templeton

When I perform a wedding, I wear a robe and a stole. I have a vintage black robe which I wear most often, and a custom-made white one that I always use for baby blessings and outdoor summer weddings, unless the couple prefers something different.

I also have a blue robe for nautical weddings, and a green one just because somebody some day may ask for it.

The stole is the long piece that goes around the back of my neck and hangs down in the front on both sides. Most of the stoles I wear are not religious. I designed one to have a short verse of romantic poetry on it that I wrote, and another in beautiful blues and greens which I wear most often in the summer.

If a couple prefers a religious stole, I have a simple white one with a gold cross, an Interfaith stole that displays about twelve symbols of various religions, and one that looks like stained glass that I use for Christian weddings around Christmas time.

Some couples ask if the robe itself has a religious meaning. The answer is yes and no. Judges often wear robes to officiate secular weddings. Graduates wear robes as a sign of achievement and dignity. Neither is religious. The religious part comes mostly from the stole, unless the robe is specific to a particular faith. Mine is not.

The robe and stole signify that the wearer holds a position of some kind of authority....in the case of an officiant, the authority to legally marry two people. In my eyes, wearing a robe is a sign of respect for you and your guests. It adds just that touch of importance and a bit of tradition to even the most unique wedding without being stuffy or formal.

Although I would perform a wedding without wearing a robe if asked, I've never had a couple request that I do so. If your officiant's appearance matters to you, it's important that you discuss it with him or her during your first conversation so that there are no surprises on your wedding day.

Dotti Templeton, Officiant
www.Poetic-Ceremonies.com
Westchester County, NY

Picture Perfect? At What Price?

by Dotti Templeton

One of the most enduring ways to remember your wedding ceremony is with photographs. Long after the food is eaten and the gown is hermetically sealed in a box, you'll have pictures to enjoy with your friends and family for years to come.

When I officiate, the photographer can stand on my shoulders and shoot with a blinding flash and I wouldn't notice. I only see you...I only care about you and your guests.

I have no rules about what shots they can take and from where. I make sure to talk to the photographer before the wedding to tell her/him how the ceremony will run so s/he can prepare for the shots. I also ask if there's anything I can do to help make the photographs better, and let them know that I'm more than happy to restage a shot if necessary.

That's all well and good for me, but you have to decide just how aggressive you're willing to allow your photographer and videographer to be. The ceremony is very special and emotional. You are changing your lives forever...committing yourselves before friends and family to another human being for the rest of your lives.

You'll want to talk to your photographer about what's acceptable during the ceremony and what isn't. Is flash ok? How close can they come to you? Will you be wearing a mic (for the videographer)? How many photographers can be near the ceremony at once? Are you willing to allow them to actually stand between you and the officiant (yes, this has happened)?

It's only fair that you be clear with your photographer about your expectations. If there's a certain photograph you want and you think it might mean that the photographer needs to get a bit intrusive, check with him. Then decide if the photograph is worth it. Ask if your photographer uses a long lens so she can get those intimate shots from a distance.

My experience with photographers is always positive. They are part of the wedding to do a very important job and they want you to be happy.

Remember, you're likely to have hundreds of pictures of your wedding and hundreds of opportunities to view them, but only one opportunity to look into the eyes of your beloved and make your vows of eternal love. Be careful not to allow those precious moments be overshadowed by the distraction of getting one particular picture.

Your photographer can only respect your wishes if he knows what they are in advance, so help him out and be forthcoming with your direction.

Dotti Templeton, Wedding Officiant
www.Poetic-Ceremonies.com
Westchester County, NY

"You May Now Kiss the Bride?"

by Dotti Templeton

Recently, a number of us officiants were discussing the all-important, very famous, somewhat traditional tagline that comes at the end of just about every wedding ceremony, "You may now kiss the bride."

Some couples, mostly brides, actually, don't like it. They want us to say something different. They still want the kiss; they don't want those words. I understand.

The "you may now do something to somebody else" feel of it doesn't necessarily fit well in the personal, often unique and gender-equal ceremonies. What are the alternatives?

Before you choose another way to say it, think about the feel of your ceremony. Is it playful and light? Traditional? Religious? Is it romantic? Does it celebrate you both as individuals? A little bit of everything? The type of ceremony you've chosen reflects who you are, and is a good place to start as you begin to think about changing that all important directive.

From our officiants' exchange, I've come up with a few suggestions for alternatives:

"You may now seal this union with a kiss."
"You may now kiss each other."
"You may now seal your vows with a kiss."
"An ancient belief proclaims that when a couple in love kisses, a little bit of each other's soul is transported to abide in the other. At what better time than now to share your souls and a kiss."
"You may now (or Please) celebrate your love and devotion with a kiss."
"You may now (or Please) share your first kiss as husband and wife."

Of course, you can make up your own or ask your officiant to help you.

Many couples still want the traditional "You may now kiss the bride" at the end of their ceremony. If that's what you'd like to hear, it's just as meaningful and beautiful as it's always been...so enjoy!

Dotti Templeton, Wedding Officiant
www.Poetic-Ceremonies.com
Westchester County, NY

Whatever Happened to Rice?

by Dotti Templeton

Many moons ago, in the days when I got married, (and they used to say things like, many moons ago), guests would throw rice at the newlyweds as they left the church (in those days, very very few people got married at the venue where the reception was, or in a park or at the beach.)

Rice, and historically other grains (which was before my time), are symbolically linked with fertility and and prosperity. Hence, the theory was that if you threw grains at the newly-married couple, they would become both fertile and prosperous.

I don't know how well it worked, but the ritual lasted for a long time. Of course, somebody had to clean up the rice after everyone left. At some point, the administrators of such things at churches rebelled and said "no more rice. It makes a mess and I'm tired of cleaning it up."

Then the bird lovers said "The birds can't eat the rice. But if they do, it will make them sick." So, instead of throwing rice, people started throwing birdseed. The idea was that the birds would eat it and the church people wouldn't have to clean it up.

Sounds good on paper. But the birds didn't always eat it, or you'd have swarms of birds eating it, or it would draw rodents and bugs, or someone could slip on it, or the birds would poop all over the steps....well, I could go on and on, but the point is, throwing birdseed was eventually banned as well.

What could the guests throw at the bridal couple now that rice and birdseed were no longer options? Confetti? Big mess. Bread? Goose problem. Leaves? Would be tough to find in winter. Water? Well, maybe at the beach. Bubbles? Yes Yes Yes, bubbles are perfect!

Of course, you don't actually throw the bubbles, you kind of blow them toward the bride and groom. Very pretty, very clean, and as far as I know, no church, venue, or park has outlawed them. And it kind of looks pretty and you're not pulling grains or seed out of your hair and clothes for the rest of the day. You might suds up in a rain storm, but there's gotta be some downside.

Anyway, what I want you to remember is, before you start handing out rice or seed or any other small messy items to throw at your wedding, double check with the venue to be sure they will allow it. It would be embarrassing to have all your guests frisked and stripped of their seed just before you make your grand exit.

But if, by some chance, you manage to find a place (your own backyard?) where you can throw whatever you want, (and do), have your groomsmen or some good friends explain to the happy crowd that they should not throw it AT you, but rather, they should loft it...in other words, throw it upwards so that it comes down upon you. Rice or seed thrown directly into your face stings, and makes for most unpleasant pictures.

Dotti Templeton, Wedding Officiant
http://www.poetic-ceremonies.com/
Westchester County, NY

Writing Your Vows....Or Not

by Dotti Templeton

When I became an officiant, I thought everyone would write their own vows. The truth is, less than 2% of the couples I’ve worked with wanted to write their own vows, and half of them wound up changing their minds.

I think everybody thinks that everybody else writes their own vows. They don’t. I’m telling you this in case you’ve been considering it, but are really busy, don’t have the time, aren’t a good poet (or even writer), don’t know what to say, or just plain have no interest in doing so, but feel a little guilty.

Don’t worry about it. There are millions of people out there who have said something you’d like to say, and if you can’t find them, your officiant should. But, if you’re thinking of giving this writing exercise a try, here are a few tips to make you sound eloquent and sincere as you stand before your beloved and all your guests:

Before you begin to write, eliminate the word “vow” and substitute the word “promise.” Vows are promises, but the word “vow” is intimidating. Now, it’s already a little easier, isn’t it…to say to your fiancé “I promise to love you forever. I will cry with you in joy and in sorrow, feel your emotions, and breathe every breath you take. I will let you watch all the Yankees games. I promise never to ask you to take me to the ballet. I will, work beside you to achieve what you wish, and be happy for all that you accomplish ….” you get the idea…

Next, don’t be afraid to seek out inspiration. If you don’t have any romantic books lying around, get on the internet and read read read. Find someone who expresses themselves the way you do and improvise. It doesn’t make it any less your vow just because someone else wrote it down first.

Don’t try to be too fancy. Use plain old English. Make your promises clear and honest in the language you use every day.

Speak from the heart. You know you’re speaking from the heart if you tear up as you’re writing your promises.

Don’t go on forever. A few quality vows are better than a laundry list of mediocre statements.

Include something you’ve already told your beloved in your vows. For example, if you’ve said to him on occasion, “I don’t know how I’d live without you,” throw that in there. The familiarity will feel comfortable and real to him.

Don’t try to remember them without backup. Give them to the officiant to hold so she can follow along with you and prompt you if you forget.

Don’t read them at the ceremony. They’ll come out stilted and you won’t be able to look into your beloved’s eyes. Ask the officiant to quietly prompt you.

Don’t over-analyze and over-edit. Write from your soul; you want to sound like yourself, not a stranger.

If you're having a problem thinking of promises, ask yourself what you would like your life-long love to say to you. Chances are, they'd make pretty good vows.

For a little added excitement, don’t share them with anyone before the big day, most of all your spouse-to-be.

Don’t worry about it. NOBODY is going to pick on your vows. Everyone will be touched by their sincerity and realness, and your willingness to express yourself while the world is watching.

And if you don’t want to write them, don’t. You’ll still be married at the end of the ceremony.

Dotti Templeton, Wedding Officiant
www.Poetic-Ceremonies.com
Westchester County, NY

Why are Officiants so EXPENSIVE??

by Dotti Templeton

Why does an officiant costs hundreds of dollars? I would have asked myself that same question until I became one.

Many people wonder how it can cost so much to “stand up there for 20 minutes.” Well, now I can tell you from experience, that’s the shortest, easiest, most fun part.

Most officiants these days are not ministers of churches with salaries and/or housing. They are ministers for the sole purpose of officiating weddings and, perhaps, baby blessings and memorial services. They are one of your most important vendors.

You know that when you pay $4 for a latte at the local coffee shop, the drink’s ingredients cost about 22 cents. You understand that you’re paying for rent, lights, insurance, salaries, equipment, advertising, profit, and more.

Now, an officiant’s expenses aren’t all as readily obvious, I admit. But they include purchasing robes at several hundred dollars each, stoles at more than one hundred dollars each, advertising, a website, a dedicated phone, business cards, numerous reference books, association dues, certification that cost thousands of dollars, and ongoing education costs. Other hard expenses include things like dry cleaning, car, gas, and computer.

Then there’s the time factor. I spend a lot of time with couples on the phone and email who ultimately don’t book.

For the weddings I do book, I spend about an hour on the phone with each couple, an hour or more in person, several hours researching, composing and typing the ceremony then making revisions, about two hours preparing for the ceremony (Map-Questing directions, printing and binding the ceremony, ironing my robe, and rehearsing), a half an hour on creating the wedding certificate, an average of 4 hours travel and time and at the ceremony because I always get there early, and another half an hour completing, copying, and mailing the marriage license.

But in the end, that’s not really all you’re paying for. Just as you can hire lawyers and surgeons for $100 or $1000 an hour, you can find officiants at various fees too. Like doctors and lawyers, officiants’ fees are based on their experience and ability to do the job well.

Couples pay for the perfect ceremony…the one that will touch their hearts, reflect who they are and make their guests feel welcome and included. For that to happen, they depend on an officiant’s organization and communication skills, ability to research and compose a beautiful ceremony, solid people skills, dependability, sound counsel, and ability to speak well in public.

I won’t even start to compare the cost of the officiant with the price of the other elements in a wedding like flowers, food, venue, photographer, limos, makeup & hairdos, music and a hundred other details. (Sorry, I said I wouldn’t ;-)

No matter, to me it’s the greatest honor and the best job in the world, and I love every minute of it.

Think about it, you might spend a couple of hundred dollars more for the officiant you really like…the one that gives you a good vibe, the one you feel really comfortable with. Your wedding is perfect. You and your guests are moved by her personal words, written just for you. Everyone tells you it’s the most beautiful ceremony they ever heard. Your ceremony set the tone for the rest of the day.

But let’s say you don’t spend the money on the officiant you think is the best. After all the time, effort and expense you’ve put into making this day special, you’re taking the chance that the person you chose to marry you won’t call you back, can’t spell worth a lick, doesn’t know how to string two words together in a coherent sentence, gives you a canned ceremony, and just doesn’t do the job you deserve. Everyone walks away feeling cheated. Is it worth it?

Whatever you pay your officiant, you will likely get what you pay for, so interview several and choose wisely.

Dotti Templeton, Wedding Officiant

www.Poetic-Ceremonies.com

Westchester County, NY

How to Walk Down the Aisle

by Dotti Templeton

Your wedding day is near. You’ve thought of everything…the officiant, the photographer, the venue and the food. You’ve imagined the day over and over again, picturing yourself walking down the aisle, holding your beautiful flowers and nervously smiling ear to ear.

You are about to take a once-in-a-lifetime walk. All your friends and family have eagerly awaited your arrival. You are the star, the queen for a day. You’ll want to enjoy every minute, treasure every step, and see the loving, happy faces of all your loved ones.

As an officiant, I’ve stood before many a glowing bride as she headed in my direction. Each more beautiful than the next. And before you know it, she’s joined her husband-to-be right in front of me, anxious to say her vows. Seems to have taken less than a minute to make that historic walk.

You’ve spend so much time and effort, as have your guests, anticipating this moment ..how do you savor it…the chance to be the center of attention…the woman of the hour?

Most brides are so nervous, they tend to clutch their bouquets to their chests and hurry forward. Don’t be that bride. This is the way you should come down the aisle (to be read with a calm, soothing voice):

Take a deep breath, or a few, before presenting yourself to your guests. As you reach the place where the guests will see you for the first time, stop and stand for a few seconds and take another deep breath. If someone is walking you down the aisle, let him know you’re going to do this so he doesn’t leap forward without you.

Drop your shoulders. Bring your bouquet down to your waist or a bit lower; it actually looks best held lower than you think you should hold it. Let everyone see the top of your dress. Now begin your walk more slowly than feels comfortable. Everyone wants to see you and look at your beautiful face and gown. Take the time, during your nice slow walk, to look at the people who have come to celebrate with you. Look at your groom. There’s no rush…it’s all about you.

When you’re about to meet your groom, again, take your time to give your dad (or whomever has had the honor of walking you down the aisle), a respectful thank you. This person is someone very special in your life and you’ll feel bad if you ditch him too quickly (and so will he).

Then give yourself time to enjoy joining your husband-to-be and moving toward the officiant.

By not rushing and enjoying these first important minutes of your big day, you will be giving yourself and your guests the gift of time and respect. You will never regret taking a few extra minutes at the beginning of your lives together.

Dotti Templeton, Wedding Officiant

www.Poetic-Ceremonies.com

Westchester County, NY

Little Boys & Rolling Rings

by Dotti Templeton

Many weddings these days not only have bridesmaids and groomsmen, but flower girls and ring bearers. The flower girl is most often a little girl carrying and even dropping flowers on her walk down the aisle just before the bride and groom. The ring bearer is usually a very young boy, and his responsibility is to get the bride's and groom's rings safely to their destination.

Now, if the flower girl decides not do her job, well, it's not great, but it's not the worst thing that can happen. If the little boy decides he's not interested in fulfilling his duty, however, we have a problem. Nothing like having one of the guests chasing after him to get the rings off the satin pillow and delivered to the best man. It's not a scene most often envisioned by the happy couple.

So, if your ring bearer will be bearing the real wedding rings, be sure to tie them onto the pillow with a knot sturdy enough to hold them in place, but loosely enough so that the officiant (or the guest chasing after him) can pull one part of the ribbon and remove them easily. My experience has been rings tied so tightly to the pillow, I nearly have to gnaw at the knot to free them. At one wedding I officiated, the opposite was true...the rings weren't tied to the pillow at all. Despite the balancing act of the young man carrying them down a very long aisle, one, then the other got away, and being round (duh), were able to make their way under the guests' chairs in two different directions. I'm sure that one day the couple will laugh at the memory, but they weren't amused at that moment.

Better than real rings tied to the pillow, if your little guy is a very little guy and/or prone to temper tantrums or cold feed under pressure (and you never really know if he is until it's too late), put two fake rings on the pillow and give the real ones to your best man to hold.

Remember to tell your officiant who will have the rings to ensure a smooth ceremony.

Dotti Templeton, Wedding Officiant
www.Poetic-Ceremonies.com
Westchester County, NY

To Mike or Not To Mike...That is the Question

by Dotti Templeton

Should you have your officiant wear a microphone during the ceremony? Maybe, maybe not.

I never used to use a mike (or mic)...I just didn't want to deal with it...the loud feedback, the ugly big thing standing on the floor between me and the couple, the outages, the set up and breakdown time and the worrying about it behaving properly for the whole ceremony.

Wireless mikes are convenient, small and inconspicuous, but are prone to static and not transmitting if there's interference in the area. A large wired mike makes me feel like a lounge singer and requires one hand to hold it. That means I have only one hand left to hold my book, then I need a third hand to hold the rings. The big-headed floor-stand mikes take up a lot of room and have to be positioned just right to capture all the action, so you find yourself talking to the mike instead of to the couple and the guests.

Then one day, after a venue had supplied one of those big floor mikes that didn't work (I always test the equipment before the ceremony...the only thing worse than a big intrusive mike, is a big intrusive mike that doesn't work,) I was walking down the aisle after the ceremony and overheard a few of the guests talking. The wedding was indoors with about 180 guests, and several of them were saying how beautiful and personal the ceremony was (which I liked) but the other guests were saying how disappointed they were that they couldn't hear a word (which I didn't like.)

For me, this was a turning point. I spend a lot of time composing a ceremony, the couple spends a lot on the wedding, the guests spend a lot of energy to get there to hear the ceremony, the couple and I want the guests to hear it, so more and more frequently, I've learned to deal with the mike.

Most often and whenever possible, the venue, deejay or band will supply it. I find that the musicians equipment is usually better than the venue's, so ask your musicians first. I tie into their systems, which use mostly the small wireless, clip-on type of mike positioned on my robe in such a way that the guests can hear both me and the couple. For those times when a mike can't be provided, I've purchased a small, portable system that's battery operated so I can take it to beaches, parks...just about anywhere. But it means charging it up, lugging it around, setting it up, breaking it down...so I like to use the musicians' mike if I have the option.

For a wedding with under 50 guests held indoors, you may not need to mike your officiant. But you need to remember, sound travels differently outdoors, so even a small gathering may have trouble hearing your ceremony if the officiant isn't miked. You don't want him/her to have to shout in your faces so that the guests can hear...you kind of lose that sense of intimacy.

Another reason to use a mike outdoors is because you're much more likely to hear sounds you wouldn't hear if you were inside...trains, planes, automobiles, kids, birds, dogs and garbage trucks all make plenty of noise and can strike at just the wrong moment. The un-miked voice of your officiant is no match for many of these sounds. Even the rustling of trees can be loud enough to keep your guests from hearing the ceremony.

If you'll be outdoors and your officiant won't be miked, talk to him/her beforehand about pausing patiently until the noise subsides before continuing the ceremony. One drawback of using a mike outdoors is wind. The mike will transmit it, and it isn't pretty. By the same token, voices don't carry far in the wind, so you have to choose which way to go when there's more than just a breeze.

Indoors, a mike is helpful for 25 to 50 guests and a must if there will be many more. Sometimes, there's feedback (that loud, piercing sound that makes everyone put their hands over their ears). Sometimes it stops transmitting or the sound comes and goes. You have to realize that these things might happen and your officiant has no control over it. But mostly, due to new technology, everything goes fine and everyone can hear, the couple is happy, and the officiant is pleased when everyone tells her how beautiful the ceremony was.

Ask your officiant about using a microphone and if he can supply one, if necessary. Ask if he's ever used one before...it helps to be experienced. The first time I wore one, I held my ceremony book up against it at the end of the ceremony to applaud the couple and it made a loud, thump thump thumping sound throughout the church. I was looking around trying to figure out what that obnoxious noise was, and it was me! If your officiant has never been miked before, ask the deejay to give him a few pointers, like, don't tell any secrets while you're miked because they will no longer be secrets.

To mike or not to mike. Now that is the question you're more prepared to answer.

Dotti Templeton, Wedding Officiant
www.Poetic-Ceremonies.com
Westchester County, NY

Candles vs Wind...

by Dotti Templeton

...the wind always wins.

The Unity Candle ritual has been a favorite of many couples as a way to celebrate their becoming one in marriage during their wedding ceremony. For the uninitiated, the custom is for the bride and groom to each light one larger candle from their individual tapers. Sometimes the tapers are lit by the couple's moms. This custom, although traditionally Christian, has become popular in interfaith and secular weddings as well. The officiant, (that would be me) says a few words to accompany the ceremony.

Anyway, the ritual started in churches...places that are usually pretty still, so the candles always held their flames and the symbolism was never lost on the couple and their guests. As time went on and couples got creative and moved their ceremonies outdoors, they took their candles with them.

Unlike the controlled environment of a church, the great outdoors is ruled by Mother Nature. Now, she likes weddings as much as the next guy, but she has a sense of humor and so many other important events to consider (like the wishes of sailors and the growth of flowers) that sometimes by pleasing one constituent, she messes up the plans of another.

At a wedding, rain is easy to deal with...we go inside or hide under a tent. We say things like "Happy is the bride the clouds rain upon." Breezes and wind are another matter. We generally try to tough it out and stay outdoors even though chairs are blowing over and the bride's gown is flying up in the air. There's just something about us humans that makes us determined to beat the wind.

Well, tough as we may be, candles don't always share our enthusiasm for outdoor weddings. You can see where I'm going with this. If you have your heart set on lighting the Unity Candle outdoors, I'm going to try to talk you out of it. Aside from the controlled laughter that you hear behind your backs every time the candle blows out, you risk setting yourselves, or at least your blowing veil, on fire unless it's completely still. And even when everything is calm, you never know when a gust will drift by, snuffing out not only your flames, but your symbolism.

So what was supposed to symbolize two lives joining as one, winds up being one life joining as one, or two lives not joining as one, or no lives at all. When this happens, I say a little piece about how this is reflective of marriage...how you don't always know what's going to happen next but you learn to support each other and roll with it. Unfortunately, that's not usually the message the couple was trying to convey; it's an obvious save at best. I haven't been able to come up with a good save for the bride's veil going on fire, though.

So if you want a ceremony outdoors, there are many other beautiful, meaningful rituals you can consider. You're sure to find one that will say what you want it to say and you won't have to spend the night before your wedding glued to The Weather Channel.

Dotti Templeton, Wedding Officiant
www.Poetic-Ceremonies.com
Westchester County, NY