by Dotti Templeton
When I became an officiant, I thought everyone would write their own vows. The truth is, less than 2% of the couples I’ve worked with wanted to write their own vows, and half of them wound up changing their minds.
I think everybody thinks that everybody else writes their own vows. They don’t. I’m telling you this in case you’ve been considering it, but are really busy, don’t have the time, aren’t a good poet (or even writer), don’t know what to say, or just plain have no interest in doing so, but feel a little guilty.
Don’t worry about it. There are millions of people out there who have said something you’d like to say, and if you can’t find them, your officiant should. But, if you’re thinking of giving this writing exercise a try, here are a few tips to make you sound eloquent and sincere as you stand before your beloved and all your guests:
Before you begin to write, eliminate the word “vow” and substitute the word “promise.” Vows are promises, but the word “vow” is intimidating. Now, it’s already a little easier, isn’t it…to say to your fiancé “I promise to love you forever. I will cry with you in joy and in sorrow, feel your emotions, and breathe every breath you take. I will let you watch all the Yankees games. I promise never to ask you to take me to the ballet. I will, work beside you to achieve what you wish, and be happy for all that you accomplish ….” you get the idea…
Next, don’t be afraid to seek out inspiration. If you don’t have any romantic books lying around, get on the internet and read read read. Find someone who expresses themselves the way you do and improvise. It doesn’t make it any less your vow just because someone else wrote it down first.
Don’t try to be too fancy. Use plain old English. Make your promises clear and honest in the language you use every day.
Speak from the heart. You know you’re speaking from the heart if you tear up as you’re writing your promises.
Don’t go on forever. A few quality vows are better than a laundry list of mediocre statements.
Include something you’ve already told your beloved in your vows. For example, if you’ve said to him on occasion, “I don’t know how I’d live without you,” throw that in there. The familiarity will feel comfortable and real to him.
Don’t try to remember them without backup. Give them to the officiant to hold so she can follow along with you and prompt you if you forget.
Don’t read them at the ceremony. They’ll come out stilted and you won’t be able to look into your beloved’s eyes. Ask the officiant to quietly prompt you.
Don’t over-analyze and over-edit. Write from your soul; you want to sound like yourself, not a stranger.
If you're having a problem thinking of promises, ask yourself what you would like your life-long love to say to you. Chances are, they'd make pretty good vows.
For a little added excitement, don’t share them with anyone before the big day, most of all your spouse-to-be.
Don’t worry about it. NOBODY is going to pick on your vows. Everyone will be touched by their sincerity and realness, and your willingness to express yourself while the world is watching.
And if you don’t want to write them, don’t. You’ll still be married at the end of the ceremony.
Dotti Templeton, Wedding Officiantwww.Poetic-Ceremonies.com
Westchester County, NY
